Day 50: 176 Days left.
It has been quite a while since I have posted. I have had a few people encourage me to write another one, so here I am. It turns out that there are a few people that I had no clue were reading my blogs who have let me know about it, and for that I am grateful. I pray that these writings have encouraged those who have been reading.
As far as my search for balance is concerned, I am still searching. I have made great progress, but there is still much ground to cover in this journey. Since the last post I have joined a gym, started working out, and am beginning more focused training for a triathlon. They key word here is beginning. There has not been much progress due to some heavy burdens and a spout of depression.
The weird thing about this season of depression is, that it is rooted in personal circumstances, but more so in my shame. I am ashamed with myself due to my lack of obedience to my Lord. See, I know what I am to do, and even how I am supposed to do it, but I choose not too. It seems as if I have been crippled. My desire is to be obedient and do the things I know the Lord is leading me to do, but my ability to make myself do them is not there. So I sit here depressed about my inability to move. It reminds me a lot of my son. He is now beginning to crawl and is noticing his mobility is growing. However, he cannot do all that he wants to do yet because he does not have the strength to move himself enough, or fast enough, to get where he wants to be. I feel kind of like that, like I am unable to move to where I want to go.
Is it fear? Maybe. I guess there is a fear of rejection, or a fear of what might happen if I obey. Maybe it is because I am in the middle of a storm. I see all that is happening around me and I am getting scared, losing sight of where I am headed. My focus is not on the destination, but on the waves breaking over the side of the boat. I have forgotten the courage that was granted me as I approached the storm. I knew it was coming, in fact, I sailed right into it. I saw the clouds ahead, and I had faith that all would be okay. After all, I have Jesus in my boat.
Sometimes you decide to brave the storm and after you get into it you begin to fear what might occur. I guess then the question is; why did you go into the storm in the fist place? If it was the Lord who lead you there, then focusing and trusting in Him to navigate you through it, or even calm it before your eyes is trick to survival. If it was your idea, on the other hand, then you are in real danger. If Jesus is in your boat, have faith, He will see you through it. If He is not, I warn you to call on Him, because the storm will surely take you down.
When you get in the boat with Jesus, know this, He is going to take you right into the storm. Having Jesus in your boat doesn’t mean that it will be smooth sailing, on the contrary, I believe that it means you have agreed to sail right into the storm. And who better to sail with, than the one who has the power to calm it with mere words?