A man I respect a great deal, Billy Mitchell, has for a long time now talked about being transparent, or about the idea of radical openness. I couldn’t explain to you what he means by that, but I can tell you what I think about when I hear the term. I think about a person who follows the Way being open and honest about all things life with those he/she walks with. Bonhoeffer , in his book “Life Together” discusses the necessity of confessing your sins to your brothers/sisters in Christ and how bearing each other’s burdens is part of the Christian life. This is only possible if one is willing to be radically open with his/her shortcomings, fears, and dreams. I struggle with this, and I believe that if we are prepared to be honest, we would all say that this is an area where we find great discomfort.
So here I am in a moment of great desperation, heavy ladened with pent up frustrations and fears, that I see very little more radically open than to publicly open up and let you in on the reality of my situation. My desire is not to generate sympathy or anything like that, but to confess my insecurity and lack of faith, and hopefully gain the prayers of those willing to give me the time. So here goes!
I lack self confidence. I have come to realize that I am not only unconfident in my abilities but lack the faith that the Lord is able to use me in the things I dream of doing for His kingdom. I dream big, but quickly lose momentum when doubt sets in and I realize that the dream is too big. To make it worse, I know that if God wills it, it will be, however, I do not believe that He wills that I be His instrument in seeing these things come to fruition.
I have fear. I am afraid of being a failure. I believe that my life has been one failure after another. I not only fail in the things I seek out to do, but I fail others in my inability to deliver on what I desire to provide for them. I believe that everything I do ends in disappointment because of my lacking self confidence. Not only disappointment for me, but I believe that I disappoint those who rely on me.
I am unsure in my call. I know that God has brought me to where I am at, and has put me in a place where I am to do His work, however, I am unsure what that is. It seems that every time I try to do something, I am unable to see it through to its conclusion. I believe that I am doing God’s will, only to see no fruit from it. I believe that I have been given a set of gifts, but I don’t use them, nor do I have opportunities to do so which causes me to question those very “gifts” I thought I had.
I am discouraged. Every time I seek out a more mature brother to mentor me, it falls through. I feel alone and when I do find someone who agrees to do so, they flake out and leave me feeling abandoned. I try to network, or put together a group of people who will even commit to pray for me, and only two people respond, for them I am grateful.
These are my confessions. I am discouraged, bitter, lonely, broke, depressed at times, and unsure of myself. I know that these things are not of God, and that I am mostly to be blamed for them. To be honest, the words of man can do nothing for me anymore, it will only take God to pull me out of this. This is why I need prayer. I am pretty good at putting on the impression that all is well, but in reality I am in a very low place and have been for years. Sometimes I wonder, “why?”
I keep pushing forward, I keep in hope, and I can keep telling myself that God will show me victory, at least once.