Is doubt healthy? Really, is it? One thing is for sure, doubt is something that is most often kept private. How often do you walk around and hear people expressing their doubts. Not the kind of doubt that one has when questioning things that someone says. I guess, even in a way this too. In this case, we are in a society of doubt. We doubt the competence of our leaders, the motives of our friends, and the stories we hear others tell. How often, though, do you hear someone express their self doubt? In my context I very seldom hear of someone doubting their calling, or their understanding of scripture. You will be hard pressed to find someone in the student center who is willing to admit that they are doubtful of anything in their lives, especially when it is pertaining to God.
I envy them. Living a life where there is no doubt, would truly be a wonderful thing. Today is a day of doubt. Not as to whether there is a God, after all, that to me is obvious. He has made Himself clear to me, and to deny Him would be a lie to myself. My doubt lies within, hidden down in the pits of my inner self, eating away slowly at my heart like a parasite. It seems that when doubt starts to show it’s ugly little face, I realize that it is after he has spread is spawn throughout different areas of my life and they too are eating away at any hope that I once had of success (whatever that looks like). At this point his unwelcome cousin named depression falls down around me like a dense fog that limits my visibility to no more than a step ahead of me, rendering me disoriented and unable to see in which direction I should go. The danger here is my overwhelming desire to just give in and sit down preparing to take up residency in the fog that has crippled me. Doubt, can it be healthy?
This is where I am, this critical moment where I am contemplating giving in to the urge to sit. Wondering, “What is the point of going on?” (Let’s not get carried away and take this in a direction where I have no intention in going.) I spend many hours a week away from my family, in fact, I only get to see them on the weekends for more than an hour a day. Why? Well, I go to class Tuesday through Thursday, and when I am not there, I am at work. The problem is, I am unable to give anything my full attention. This leads to unfinished assignments, both school and work, a lacking program of which I am the director, and in all of this a diminishing hope of success. Will I graduate, better yet, will they let me. Maybe I will never get to know what it feels like to walk across a stage and get a diploma. Will the program succeed? Maybe I will never get to know what it feels like to pay the bills, afford car repairs, save money; maybe I am not as good of a coach as I thought I was. Have you ever had to look at your children face to face and tell them that we may not have Christmas presents this year? Even though it is ample opportunity to teach them the true meaning, the hurt in their eyes melts even the coldest of hearts.
Will I sit down, or will I keep on moving? The reality is, I could sit down and make a home within the fog very easily. The problem with that is, this life isn’t about me. My submission to the doubt would mean that my purpose was for my gain. At which point everything that I have done up until this point, everything that I have gone through, and more importantly what my family has had to endure would be for nothing. So I place my foot down in front of the other one, with no choice but to believe that the path on which I have been traveling is the one that will lead to other’s success. My step is not for me, it is for those watching. I continue to walk through the fog for the sake of my family, my cheerleaders, my enemies, my spectators, and most of all my God.
Am I still in the fog? Sure. More importantly, my Guide can see through the fog and makes clear the path. I may be doubtful, but I am not alone. This is when I must lean on those in my life, this is when I must lean on the Lord. After this day of doubt, there will be another day, a new day, and day of hope. For my God is a God of restoration and He will restore my hope. Perhaps, if you will let Him, He will restore yours too.